Football systems, changing room banter and a couple of mops solve the big questions of life – immortality, happiness and why England always lose, in a new play tackling the beautiful game.

After several years of embedded research in the football darklands, a failed attempt to create a UK football team for the 2012 games and pathetic efforts at understanding the offside rule, Ridiculusmus is patching up its metatarsals to examine the melting pot of what it means to be British today.